in a perfect world, i would be able to go anywhere and not have to worry about setting an alarm, or be scared to walk to my car at night. being in the wrong place at the wrong time wouldn't ever exist. the extent of my disgust with our world right now is beyond description. the fact that i've heard of two murders, a rape, and a co-worker being jumped in one town, in span of two weeks makes me sick. i dream about leaving this entire area for good, but i would give anything to abolish violence like this everywhere. i tell myself that if i lived in a different part of the world, things wouldn't be like this...yeah for me. if i ever do get out of here, thank god. but i would consider myself extremely lucky and eternally grateful. not everyone has a choice. and i only complain about my area! i know nothing of what its like globally. how do we seriously cure our world of a infection this bad? it's becoming clearer to me that it's something we have to deal with, and this is why we're taught awareness...and how to use a good can of mace. but it shouldn't have to be that way. we shouldn't have to feel so hopeless that we have to live among endless inhumanity. i'm really just rambling, but seriously... where does it end? and where does it even begin? how can we find where it starts to figure out how to make it stop? i'm too disgusted to make my words even flow right.

-Dreaming of monkeys is a warning that there are those among your friends or co-workers who are mischeivous and will try to get you in trouble. It may also mean that your childish naturemay prevent you from achieving your goals and that you need to pay attention to your work and less to "monkeying around".

-It is said that an elephant never forgets so it is no surprise that dreaming of an elephant signifies memory as well as wisdom and patience. The Eastern belief is that the elephant signifies luck and prosperity.

-Dreams of falling buildings suggest that the dreamer is at risk of being overwhelmed by problems or responsibilities.

thinking about how much money i don't have makes me a little woozy. it makes me even woozier thinking about how long its going to take to make it back. my accounts just keep getting more and more negative and my paychecks keep getting smaller and smaller. a couple weeks ago, a $200 paycheck would have been gold. now, its like half of what i owe, and then you can take some out for gas and expenses for the week. why dont i plan well? no its not planning. its just stupid. i guess i can look at this as troubleshooting for the rest of my life, but right now it pretty much bites. i know ill be making money over the summer but the first couple weeks it will all be going other places and then itll take me forever to build up an actual sum. and thats just what i owe in bills. what i technically owe to my mom with all that i'm charging to her card is chris ludacris bridges. i need to start taking every hour i can get instead of being lazy and not wanting to work. priorities jade...priorities.

i really wanna travel. i want to go to greece more than anything. but i dont wanna go for a week and be a tourist. i wanna take it for all its worth, actually live there. go with nothing but money and a grenglish dictionary and hope for the best. i think thatd be the greatest thing ever. or go to england. they speak english...thats one obstacle down. everyone says its a small world right? so why does it feel like it will take a herculean effort to get outta here?

im scared of alot of things lately. i dont ever wanna leave school in fear that i'll actually have to grow up at some point. to me, im still a kid. i'm 20 years old, and as old as that sounds to me, i dont feel it. i love being a kid, or at least immature, and as soon as i graduate its gonna be completely unacceptable to do the things i do now. or do i just think that? once school is over, i wont have some of my best friends next door to run to when i need them, or pound on the wall when im bored. it just wont be there. it makes me sad knowing that has to end. but thats really just part of growing up. if i could book a ticket to neverland right now, id seriously consider it. me and pete would party.

and then im scared of death. i cant help it but i end up thinking about it night after night. i start off thinking about my future and graduating, getting a job, getting married, having kids....and then what? i work for the rest of my life and then i die? it sounds morbid and ridiculous but lets be serious...its kinda true. and then it freaks me out that i could seriously die at any given time without notice. and if that happened, would i be ok with the life i've lived? i dont think i would. i have so much i want to accomplish and even though i dont think i do now, i might have alot to offer to the world. and i dont wanna leave it yet. so death, dont come knocking on my door any time soon. i'm not ready.

i love school. i love everything about it. it makes me wonder why i took it for granted my first year. but without freshman year i wouldnt be the jade i am today. i learned alot of what to do and more of what not to do. and the more i think about it, the more i appreciate the mistakes i made. how would i ever know better now? thank you to every one of you who may or may not have taught me a lesson. from the stupid experiences to the lost friendships, you made me who i am. and i'm pretty content with myself. so i owe you. i'll buy you a coke some day. i often think about those people that were there in 2004-5. and then i compare it to now. and there is only one person i've kept in touch with over the years and thats jason. its so weird for me to even really say that because 2 years ago i never thought that would be the case. but im starting to see now that he really is a good person. i cant judge him on how i met him because i was a totally different person then too. we've both completely changed for what seems like the better and im glad i know him now. jason, if by some chance you ever happen to read this, thank you. you've taught me more than you know.



i wonder when ill get married. right now it feels like it's moons away. but i might like it that way. i definitely dont want kids any time soon. eventually maybe one or two. but absolutely not in the next few years. i like my life wayyyy too much to do that to myself. im too selfish for kids right now. so marriage? maybe i should get a boyfriend first...that'd be a real good start. as much as i want and like the idea of having a boyfriend, i dont wanna settle...i never do. it has to be absolutely ideal or i wont go for it. i've known that about myself for quite some time but i'm still having trouble deciding whether thats a problem or a good thing. i think i'll know once i fall in love. and now the song from sleepless in seattle is stuck in my head. damn you celine.

summer is too far away.

i only write when i have too many bugs on my brain that i cant focus.
so is january....2007 is here. im still in college and im still struggling. at this point i know its gonna be a constant struggle until i graduate, i just wish it didnt have to be. i wish i was one of those kids that can go to class every single day and feel guilty skipping....but i'm not. i'll graduate eventually, i wont have a high gpa, and i wont be able to do alot of the things i want. but i'll have a degree and i'll have the experience...hopefully. but its almost all over and thats really sad.....
on that note im stopping this entry short. i wanted to ramble minutes ago and im feeling the need to stop abruptly mid-story. and that i will.

i am NOT happy with the way anything is going in my life right now.

ok heres the thing. why recently have been sleeping through my classes? this is a question worth pondering. i like my classes, and i NEED to go to them, so why all the skippy skippy? i'm kinda pissed at myself. my alarm goes off, i shut it off, and then i sleep through my class. thats just how it goes. what the crap? i feel like such a waste of life. and then to cover my ass, i make up excuse after excuse to email my teach as to why i suck at going to class. i keep telling myself, "its just a bad week, next week will be different." well thats been 2 weeks in a row. and im waiting for this so called "next week" to come. i shall notify you of its arrival.

i've been wanting to write for a long time. but for some reason, as many thoughts are going through my head, i cant find the time or effort to conjugate my thoughts into actual words. but i think its really necessary. writing is like therapy. you just need it sometimes. after having talk after talk, night after night, im still looking for answers. and i know now that i'm not the only one. of course they'll get here eventually, but im tired of waiting. im tired of wondering why this? and when that? why dont i have any idea what direction to put my life in? and when will i find out? is it too late? did i miss my chance already? why cant i find someone that loves me unconditionally? am i searching too hard? or will i never experience that? do you ever wonder if maybe youre just not meant to get married or have kids? its pitiful to be thinking about this all the time but i do. and not only do i think about it, it's almost controlling my life. i would love to be able to just sit back and take what is thrown at me without question; just see everything extrinsically. if only. im hoping that putting this into solid content will help me feel a little better, and im sure it will. but it doesnt answer my questions. i love life, but i hate piecing it together to figure out what the hell is going on in it. and it goes on and on...

"cuz i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still, verdictless life. am i living it right?
still "everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself if im living it right"

Tornado
To dream of being caught in a tornado indicates that you are struggling against an emotional issue you feel helpless to solve. Just like a tornado, the issue has swept you up and flung you where you don't want to be. This dream can also mean that communications with others in waking life have become unproductive and that the dreamer, instead of really resolving issues, is simply going around in circles.

good morning! its thursday. and that means tomorrows friday. and that means its the WEEKEND! this weekends plans? gspot friday, possibly phi kaps saturday, relax/homework/ delta meeting sunday. i like the sound of it. i havent decided whether i'm gonna road trip home on saturday or sunday but sometime this week i gotta get my check from shaws and pick up some stuff i left home. this week was fantastic. it was probably honestly the best week of my entire college career so far. my classes are decent. except for the toni morrison seminar which is gonna be a shitload of work but my teachers nice and the books look good so we'll see how it goes. i havent had social psych or modern drama yet but i have the syllabus for one and i have the other one tomorrow. so all is well. so far ive done my homework and obviously gone to class but it is only the first week. if i keep it up for at least 3 more i'll know im good for the semester. i'm also thinkin about switching my major. english just isnt my thing. im getting through it, but barely. im struggling with every class, and im beginning to think maybe im not dumb, maybe im just in the completely wrong major. seeing as how i NEVER thought in a million years id be in english. so i guess we'll just see how it goes? as of now im gonna finish my microwave mashed potatoes and get ready for language and culture with my asian professor. adieu!